Things are going super well for me and my new bike Sebastina. As I explained to an old flame the other day (undoubtedly in some weirdo attempt to make him jealous), I don’t need a boyfriend anymore: I am really involved with my bicycle.

He looked at me askance.

Only EMOTIONALLY! I yelled. I don’t think he was jealous at all, but he definitely now thinks I am a weirdo.

Whatever. She’s a great bicycle, but there is just one small problem which I discovered today whilst riding up Cambridge Heath Road: Sebastina is not equipped for road rage. You see, she came with what her previous owner described as a ‘ding-dong bell’, and indeed the bell is absolutely very charming for ding-donging at cute dogs and old men at bus stops and at other moment when I feel like I am in a 1970 French film. But the ding-dong bell is totally inadequate for expressing anger. Thus, when two pedestrians did that pedestrian thing of assuming it was fine to jaywalk in front of me because I am only on a small bike and will not run them over, I tried to give them an angry ding and it just sounded completely twee and cute.

And thus, this weekend, I am going out to buy a blasty loud horn for Sebastina’s other handlebar, only to be used on those occasions when an adorable ding does not fully express my feelings.